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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in dead poets' LiveJournal:

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Sunday, April 16th, 2006
2:22 am
That was the last time.
It was way too real
The pain just flowed out of me
I painted her potrait with my blood
The resemblence stung me
hurt me to the core
she was beautiful
For 8 years I have thought about her
Everyday
I left her heart bleeding
Just for me
Just for me
Innocence lost
My peice of shit tragic story
Nooone cares about her
no one ever did

Current Mood: awake
Thursday, April 6th, 2006
2:08 am
Seen
You heard it breathe again last night
It pounded in your head
You don't believe
I can't make you believe
I can't make you do shit
I seen the letter on the bathroom mirror
through the steam I seen
A thought that I'd thought before
but I knew it was a dream
As I dropped the towell
I grabbed my head,sweat pouring out of me
your peaceful dreams I am dead
through the steam I seen
Wednesday, January 4th, 2006
5:27 pm
Happy
Things that make me happy


Guitars and strings
women and things
Good scary books
uncomfortable looks
and the thing under the bed
black eyes and ties
cheeseburgers and fries
Beatles For Sale
Hitler In hell
and getting great head
but what I like the most is seeing her ghost
and I slept beside your bed again
she screamed at me and opened all the doors
and pushed my little brother down the stairs
its not really that dark
she says theres no hell
theres just you

Current Mood: awake
Wednesday, December 21st, 2005
1:02 pm
Tis the Season
Im dreaming of a white Christmas
one where I can see clearly
and the ghosts have gone away
Im dreaming of a white Christmas
the kind that I never ever get
The kind that the lights change
and I am not stuck on stop
Will you ever go
Will you ever shut up
youve been talking for days
im crazy
you just wouldnt see
open your eyes
I stapled them shut

Current Mood: cheerful
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
7:52 pm
There is nothing to say
There is nothing that you can say now
you dont even talk to me anymore
cant you see that I miss you
Im all dried up
I no longer feel the way that I used to
Its all gone
Are yoy happy
do you even think of me
the days have never felt the same
the winter is very hard for me now
im not young
im getting older
you are dead
and I can begin to accept that
you are fucking worm food
and I am happy

Current Mood: chipper
Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
5:34 pm
Small World
In this Small World somewhere in my head
there's clouds of grey over everything
I cant seem to see
this nothingness
thats keeping me at bay
sometimes there's somethings
that i just cant explain
sometimes theres somethings
I just cant change
well
this confusion
overwhelms me
and everything
in you





written by Nick Derby
used with permission
Friday, August 12th, 2005
9:12 pm
Its been a long time
Its been so long that I cant even remember
these days arent getting any longer
the way that you seemed to steal the air from me
the way that you made the colors breathe
I once could hear the halls talk of you
I once gave a shit
i choose to ignore and accept
i choose to run in circles
i choose to let myself go
i let myself let go of you
9 years
everyday
you dont know me
Friday, August 1st, 2003
4:46 pm
OPEN
this isnt even the time for you to start that shit
we are tired
and i am weak
this isnt the day of rest ,besides i havent found he right phrases to tell you whats on my mind
you were never a part of the whole scheme
the machine did not recognize you
it stopped its rythm
this is not the only time
this isnt even close
i wandered in the church yard ,
things were so much simpler
i didnt get to sleep that night
the last thin i remember is you telling me that i was a good boy ,i changed
the rhythm changed
its not that i dont care
i do
i dont know where im goin
i just want to see and be
with my son
i just want to raise my son and see grand kids
and retirement
the grass smells of nostalgia
and it takes me
im going
taking the next bullet out mom
i ran so fast that my shadow went away and i was lost in the dusk
the crickets were buzzing and the dogs were barking and it was so fucking quiet
i slept beside your bed again
and im not scared of whats in my head anymore
its not the thing under the bed
its cancer.
Monday, July 21st, 2003
2:42 pm
snooches
I AM WE TODD DID

I AM SOFA KING

WE TODD DID
Saturday, July 12th, 2003
11:16 pm
this emptiness
its dark although i can feel my way through
and this is the bottom
this i what all the noise is about
havent you hard that the clocs have started their hollow chimes and the childeren stopped playing
the fence was just too tall for me to get over it dad
and the grass is swaying to the beat of my heart
you wondered if id ever be abl to stopp myself
but its all forthe machine
you know that i didnt just walk away
i fuckin ran
i ran until my side wrenched
that was all i could do
i hid under the covers until i was almost asleep
i talked to hi again mom
and i slept beside your be on the floor
i still rememberthe stubbles on his face and the hintof pabst blue ribbon on his clothes
and he looks just lie my dad
i wanna feel just feel today
i wanna hear music ,music in my head
i wanna breathe just breathe
today
today
Saturday, February 1st, 2003
6:59 pm
the machine
its so much different now that the machine has changed,
the game just isnt the same anymore
its not me the one who is bleeding
i care too little anymore
its just not the same and i dont want to know
there is an entirely different purpose for me now
if you are out there,
stay up, stay the fuck up
...............
lupus, you heleped kill off a part of me that still
cared for running the machine,
thanks
Thursday, May 9th, 2002
3:39 pm
these days
these days
i search the iniqities in myself
and i turn the lights off
and i do it just to see what you think
i grip myself in front of the elderly
and tug on my pants in front of my boss
and there is nothing you can do
intellegence is one thing
the sharpness of ones own mind can be dull
however the reactions of others can be quite amusing
im not scared of the dark,and as a matter of fact ,
FUCK SATAN
fuck you
and what the hell, while we are at
fuck me
still there is nothing you can do
ive come to enjoy life
i enjoy individuals ,i despise the groups they associate themselves with.
i figured that i need to write more fom the front part of my brain
it eases tension
i like being silly
i love being blunt
i like being inappropriate
and i like pissing on someone elses parade
its fun!!!!
relax
we dont have that much time here
so why dont we all just stop being tightwads and have a little fun ...
oh yeah
p.s do you know how to tell if your best friend is gay
???
if his dick tastes like shit
Thursday, May 2nd, 2002
12:32 pm
sidewalk
sometimes when its cold
i ll turn up my collar
and face the wind .
stale cigarette burning in my hand
im wandering
cant i stand
chilled breath,chasing my shadow
where am i going
i dont know
sometimes we wander
never noticing each other
never knowing the pains,gains,doubts of another
lifes full of answered prayers,waiting to send
maybe will meet someday where the sidewalk ends
i passed by
and i noticed theyre torn
lost,the face never innocent
stagnant insecurities
never knowing ,or ever growing
out of themselves
and i still chase my shadow
and as to where im going i dont know
Friday, February 15th, 2002
11:30 am
its so much colder now than it used to be
when you are a child the winter never lasted this long
the day just keeps on going
thing i cant really remember are haunting
i cant remember the last time that i cried
the walls dont talk anymore
and ive lost the passion to understand
the colors died
im not empty
im not afraid of death
i just share a fear of eternity
i have now learned to live day to day
and appreciate what i have
that is me
i wake in the morning to see the dark
and i lose myself in the sunrise
i turn the heater on
roll down the window
and fall in love
Thursday, January 17th, 2002
2:10 pm
vanity
i used the wrong word
i apologize for lowering myself to try to
piss you off in any way
but i still feel the same way about the
correspondance,and in no way do i want to continue
anything fucked up,
...................................
im goin to be a daddy
im going to live again
to see the trees in a different way
again
im goin to be the boss
of myself and just my life
to feel the ground under me
again
im not so lost anymore
im not so empty
i feel so differently now
again
Wednesday, November 28th, 2001
2:07 pm
ITS RAINING OUTSIDE
the hallway is mush emptier now that she is gone
i used to be able to feel death move aside when she walked there
some how she knew
not only that i told her
she just knew,the machine silenced for a moment
pause
she still thinks about it
but not for long
...........................
and this is for you buddy ....
i know you read this
you could never read me
you just wonder if i would have anything to say about it all
no i havent forggoten
ive just stopped caring
indifference
i have never ran from my fears
i ran into them screaming
screamin for it all just to stop
i quieted them
you were never intellegent enough
to see that i tried to quiet yours
and the band played on throughout the night
the smoke never cleared
the emotion ran so thick ,that you could cut it
and just stand there and watch me bleed
you were and are always so much more important
than anything else
you sacrifice everything even sanity to have what you "want"
you had it all and you have thrown it away
heres your depression buddy
i guess i am a sell out
i sold out long before you even knew my name
i extended my hand of friendship
you took it and ran
Friday, November 16th, 2001
3:09 pm
this is for all the people who died for freedom
these lines are written,to impose a message
we ignoe what things are done for us ,
and rush towards the end of life
screaming that we believe
everything we shut our eyes to defeats us in the end
I AM ONE TOO,I BELIEVE
everything we deny and despise
is somehow our friend
I AM ONE TOO,I BELIEVE
this is for all of those who lived for peace
tese lines are written
to serve a purpose
trough my life ,ive had heros
ones who died
........i still scream..........
everything we shut our eyes to
serves to defeat us in the end
I AM ONE ,I BELIEVE
Monday, October 29th, 2001
3:38 pm
get stupid
,

Current Mood: yep you got it
Thursday, October 25th, 2001
12:50 pm
are you there
you just slipped out
like death of the innocence
you appreciated as a child
love leads lonely lives
longing long lasting lust
openly oppressed often only
vengeful
everyday,evermore
my mind
your youth
self perception
every
life
forever
Saturday, September 29th, 2001
12:59 am
im sorry but i cant remember when they all just went inside
the trees just wouldnt say
he is not here anymore
is there something wrong
is that the question
why do you want to know the dark
i am finally tired of this hole
you are very tired
i can tell
icant even read
when the silence is just too much
and the pain is too real
you crawl within your esteem
and fade away
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